(Somewhere in a conference room)
Boss: A survey showed us that a lot of people are unwilling to receive regular tests because of the discomfort of a nasal swab. Have we made any progress on a less painful method?
Brian (holding a cup): We could have them pee into one of these. My parole offi — my… friend has me do it once a month. Easy peasy.
Boss: We’ve been over this: urine samples don’t effectively test COVID, and you don’t work here anymore.
Boss: Anyone else?
Elyse: What about the saliva sample? That’s easy enough.
I am writing to request permission for your child to ride with me (Ms. Frizzle) on my normal school bus that doesn’t do anything out of the ordinary Magic School Bus for the science class field trip. The bus will leave from school at 9am, and return by 3pm. We may of course travel through time to see dinosaurs and nearly be torn apart and killed, but time on this version of Earth will be paused during that period.
Please agree to allow the staff to provide medical assistance if a child is hurt, gets sick, or —…
We at Fancylastname Fund are calling upon you to penalize the members of Wall Street Bets on Reddit for their market tampering. What happened this week was clearly illegal and wrong, and we know that because this time we lost money.
A collective of investors should not be able to influence the market unless that collective is directed by us, the people with the hair gel. I thought this was a free country. How come taking advantage of others our entire careers so we can afford bigger boats is starting to cost us so much? This is America…
Dear Mrs. Rodgers,
I thank you for the opportunities you’ve granted me throughout the years, but I have chosen to resign, effective immediately.
Your requests have become increasingly unsettling, and I am scared to attempt your latest ask of me: murdering your husband. I admit I’ve had the tendency of confusing some of the tasks in the past, like when you told me to “cut the lights.” I felt quite silly snipping through all your lamps’ wires, but who am I to question your authority? Or when you instructed me to “tail this guy” and I pinned one on him…
You enjoy the process more than the end goal. You’re all about the experience. You are patient and focused.
You are a purist and you desire no-frills with your sweets. “Just give me the good stuff and leave the rest” is your motto. Also, you’re likely not allergic to peanuts. At least, not severely.
In 1998, your brother went missing. After seven years, he was proclaimed dead. You held strong at the funeral, but some people thought you’d kept it together a little too well. Almost like you were happy about it.
Your parents were very wealthy and rather old…
Sandra, my love, my dear, my everything. I want to show you how much you mean to me tonight, on the fifth anniversary of us pledging ourselves to each other in matrimony. Yes, of course I have a reservation. Now, put on your finest sweatpants, we’re going to Applebees.
That’s right, babe. I’m excited too. The double doors swing open as we barge into our local chain like a Wild West saloon and are greeted by the host. “Welcome to Applebees,” he’ll say with a bright smile. “Just the two of you?”
“We have a reservation,” I’ll smirk at him…
First, let me just say I’ve always been a big fan of yours, even since you were Gandalf the Grey. The stuff you did with Bilbo was legendary. I even liked the grey hat look, it was very indie. It made you looked like you were passionate about coffee and had three tattoos with very specific meanings and also a table covered in books you only pretended to read.
Anyway, that’s beside the point. I’m writing to you because I have a grievance. Namely, why did you let all those people die? Look, we saw how you rescued…
Comic and writer. Words on @littleoldlady__ , @postgradproblem, @the_clock_out, @pointsincase, @Slackjaw